I'm a fan (and you should be too) because...
when i was a little girl my parents were very, very strict. i could not go play outside, not even in the back yard unless my dad or uncle was home.in my house was me, my sister, mom and dad,uncle, grandma, and an array of cats and dogs.(full house) my sister and i didn't have too many toys once we started to grow out of baby toys,so of course the television and radio became our connection with the world.
i remember one day i was flipping through the channels. and, as i was flipping i caught a glimpse of a woman in a beautiful white, old-fashioned tub with water pouring down from the sky. the scene grabbed my seven-year old attention sternly. i flipped back twice, and forward once. again the pretty lady with gorgeous red hair in the tub... why is she in her clothes soaking wet? wow, she has a pretty voice, reminds me of mommy's singing me to sleep back then,before...
i hear the words 'crucify ourselves', should i be hearing this? will i get in trouble? doesnt that word have something to do with god and church? i'm not supposed to question.i turn the volume down so no one can hear, but the words to this song seem to fit what is going on in my little life already and finally i know that this is real...
when i heard those lyrics as a seven year old girl, i knew what i was feeling and what was going on were NOT right. i related those songs to the feelings of guilt and shame i was feeling trying to cover up and protect myself and my sister and my whole family because my uncle was a pervert living in my house. so i couldn't stop it. and everytime i tried to say something i was told that i was lying. that i was making it up. "why would you say that about your favorite uncle? he loves you. its so rude to lie,angela! go to your room!" (i was only callled angela when i was in real big trouble.)
my dad would yell at my mom if she took my side, so,to this day, my mom wont admit what she knew: she walked in my room to see him on top of me, and just turned around and closed the door.
and my sister learned from my mistake to never question daddy. he never hurt us physically, but the things he would say to us, made me wish he did just hit us. she always said she didn't remember, but he would lay us next to each other, make us look at each other while he did whatever it was that he wanted to that night, and if either of us said anything or cried,it just got worse. a few years later on my 9th birthday i finally told my aunt what was going on. it never happened again.
so, the reason i am a tori fan is because this song validated my feelings about having to hang myself up to save face for everyone else that i cared about.
i remember going to the music store shortly after to get my first tape. i didnt know her name, (I could barely read;) ) but i remembered her red hair, pale skin... found it! but, my dad looked at the cover and read the songs and said 'no'.
but, soon enough i had my own money and could buy whatever i wanted. Tori's 'Boys for Pele' was the first CD i bought myself, and soon i found the disc with the song in the video,
and now the collection hasn't stopped growing!
i found out later that she had experienced an equally traumatic situation and sometimes wonder if that was part of the reason she touched me at such a young age...
she's helped give me strength to not let this and other heavy situations hold me down.no matter how terrible she's been there for me like an angel since i was just a kid when no one would listen.and i thank you Tori, from the bottom of my heart for coming to my life when you did.