It was Saturday, and normally on Saturdays, Julia and I always went to the city, sometimes coffee with her other friends, sometimes with mine. Today, she was doing the “gays” with me. The “gays” are Michel and Robert. I met Robert at my first gay night out. Coming from a prudish catholic family, like many others, I was suppressing my homosexuality until I was 18. I went to college, had my own room in a student home, away from the suppressors a.k.a. my parents; I started to get into the gay world. First just chats, and I was bisexual back then!

The weather is changing. The dense moist air is being pushed by a fresh, odor free wind. I wanted to write an e-mail to my virtual friend José Carlos about my first day in my new apartment. It is a bit small, but enough for two people. Julia’s mom was born here, and now Julia and me live here. Will she kick me out as soon as she meets her Daddy Gorgeous?

Night couldn’t wait for its turn this evening. She has loosened her veil of clouds before she came. Sun did not want to make room for Night. Everything has his own time, and now in the realms of Winter, Sun already has to make way for Night early. Sun fights for every second, but no one should underestimate Night at winter time. As the veils of clouds come closer to Sun, they started to burn. The Sun was furious as Night. He wouldn’t go down without at least burning out some clouds, making the veil even more rugged. The burning of the clouds released a large amount of steam.

Your Birthdate: December 10
Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations.
You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you.

I had a dream last night. This sentence is not that ordinary as it seemes, the thing is, I don't dream often. And when I do, I can barely remember. But, last night was different. I was outside. Standing in a field full of nice flowers. Tulips and Poppies flowering at the same time. Lavender and Edelweiss growing next to each other. It was wonderful, although I was completely alone in this scented field. Butterflies, birds, they were all welcoming me. Suddenly I realized that it can't be that good. I was afraid something bad would happen.

so today i listened carefully this song because i read somewhere, rather randomly i wasn't paying attention to this song, well i read somewhere that it's in the line of 1000 oceans. whenever i hear 1000 oceans i think of my grandpa and his struggle for life. anyway, it sounded familiar. in a very scary way. damn that song describes me. i'm here, on myspace, facebook, but where am i in the real world? my soul is being sucked up by computers, mobile phones and embarrassed in blogs. are we going to be that machine? will it all be true and we will become Donna Haraways cyborgs?

His lips were not too rough, not too smooth, like kissing a man feels like, only he was the man in that moment. His skin smelled raw, sweet and dense. No deodorant, no perfume, just his smell. Heavy and dark. People say that good things don’t last long, but I think even if it’s a split of a second, it can last forever. Infinity is relative. All was relative then. Time and space merged in this kiss. Suddenly he pushed me back. My guard was down, and he pushed me away. I knew what I will see in his eyes. Anger mixed with hate and revulsion.

I didn't expect Andrew so soon, I mean I asked him yesterday in the afternoon if he could help me with that painting, and he said he would come today, but I didn't expect him so early. He was putting his tools on the floor in my room, and I asked him if he would like a drink or something. He said that he has a rendezvous at 11 and he would like to take care of the painting as soon as possible. I asked him to wait for me for just a second so I could change, I felt a bit awkward standing there in my pyjamas. Well, not actually, I had a sleeveless shirt and pyjama pants.

Do you have friends? I mean, real friends? I have few, but it seems as if I'm losing them. Is this my fault? Or are these people just not real friends?

First, I have to leave all behind. I try to leave the houses and the people alone. I'm not scared of them; I just want to be alone. This is something I do best when I'm alone. As I run by the houses, the people are taking care of the garden, the flowers are being watered and the unspectacular weed is being pulled out of their earthy wound. Like unwanted children. Their roots wither in the sun which is still powerful. Without weed, flowerbeds just look better. I turn my head forward. The cool fresh air announces the forest in front of me.